This year has been a challenging one. Work has been challenging due to consistent turnover and lack of champions leading our department and advocating for its needs, but a light shines on the horizon for 2019 now that positions have been filled by competent leaders. My nieces and nephews are approaching adulthood, which is hard for them and hard for those who care about them. We live in uncertain times, but the support of a strong family and their own inner strength will hopefully be enough to empower them to lead themselves and others toward lives they find meaningful. My niece gave birth to a wonderful, happy little baby, which catalyzed within myself my own fears for her – of teenage motherhood and single parenthood – and my own fears for myself – of the impossibility of balancing two careers with motherhood and of failure (the failure to be a good mother). Other things, too, have been heavy on my mind and heart, though I’d rather not post everything about myself on the internet. That’s why I primarily prefer to write fiction after all. It gives you a way to tell the truth, but tell it slant, as Emily Dickinson might say.
I’m trying to become a more reflective person this year, so in that vein I’d like to offer up some of the lessons I’m learning from 2018 and hoping to grow by over this next year.
Loving is hard. I don’t know if what I mean will come across, but loving is essential to relationships with yourself and with others. Forgiving is part of loving. Listening and caring is part of loving. Being kind and understanding is part of loving. None of this should be news to anyone, but sometimes we sum up love to be something else other than what we do on the day to day to each other and for each other, to ourselves and for ourselves. This year I’m trying to learn how to be a little more forgiving and kind to myself and those closest to me. Sometimes my goals and high standards get in the way of their own completion because life requires us to be flexible.
Life is exhausting. The milieu of family gatherings, work, choir, and writing have really taken its toll on me. I don’t even really spend any time with friends or exercising. I’m not sure how to gather myself back up, but this year I’m trying to find some good ways that work for me.
Writing better be a divine calling, because it may never be a career. Though it is much too early to say never, not publishing anything in 2018 really put a damper on my spirits. I have two book projects that I’m working on that I do love, so I guess I’ll just keep doing it. Life’s an adventure, right?
Creating balance in your life takes consistent intention and saying ‘no’ to people, tasks, and your own unhelpful thoughts. In coming to terms with the things I have and haven’t been prioritizing, and in recognizing why I have been prioritizing the things I have, I have to admit that things have been out of balance. My goal this year is to let go of the things at work that I have no control over, come home positive and energetic, and carve out some more time each week for writing projects, reading, and even maybe exercise in small ways. The big thing there is that I’m not going to beat myself up if I fail on one of those fronts because I’m too tired. That has been a difficult marry-go-round to get off, so wish me luck!
I’m sure that’s not the end of the list, but you see why I might be needing to curtail things. What are you working on learning this year? I’d love to know more about your goals and lessons learned.